do

For People Feeling Lost in Life

I took a couple of days recently to try to unplug and spend some time in nature and

Reflect on where I'm at

I had a lot of time during the train rides to think and

It's scary to be honest for a moment and admit that I'm pretty clueless on what the future holds

No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try. There's nothing I can do to control what's going to happen

I can't control what people are going to say or how long I'm going to be around

So sitting thinking about this and kind of realized that whether we like it or not, this is a position

We are all in at all times

Feeling lost or confused on what's to come or where to go is

Something that just hits me in waves almost randomly and it can feel overwhelming

Sometimes it's unclear what the right thing is to do if there is a right thing, you know

I want to do the right thing, but

I'm not sure. I always have a clear idea of what that looks like or

What that means in a way I kind of wonder what do I stand for? I

Have as long as I can remember always hated the feeling of floating through life of powerlessness

I think a sense of desperation comes out when I feel pinned down or knocked over

It's really hard to prevent doubts from creeping in from time to time

And sometimes I can see how these fears color my decisions and make me act in strange ways to feel less vulnerable

I see now that I've learned how to stay really busy and distract myself from myself

But when I do stop for a moment and kind of let the facade drop

I'm not sure. I like what I see

I

really do wonder what my

Eight-year-old self would think I don't think I have as many answers as I thought I would at this stage in life

Or maybe I got some answers and now I just have more questions

And sometimes what was working before it stops working and I feel like I'm starting from zero all over again

Maybe that's what it means to grow up

You know to admit the were clueless about some things about most things the whole time

Nobody wants to say it. But I will I do still fear what other people will say about me

I want to be loved you know, and it's easy to say I don't care, you know

It doesn't affect me but it does I do care. I think we all care. I think we're social creatures and

This it's built into us. I don't think any of us want to be alone, but you can feel like that sometimes

I'm just trying to remind myself that it's okay to not be. Okay all the time

we are complex and

I'm not sure even a full lifetime is enough time to figure everything out about ourselves

I think I'm learning how to not even try to fix the situation

or myself

Because there's nothing to be fixed and just accept that I'm doing my best and that I get to choose how I look at things

When I do manage to do it having a sense of humor about things can help a lot. Actually I

Really like Rumi the poet's words even though they were written

Centuries ago he said these pains you feel our messengers

Listen to them

Hey, are you where you think you thought you would be at age 53

Where I am I

Did I enjoyed yet? It would look this way, especially doing work, you know emotional work. I had no idea

And yeah at each stage new stuff is gonna show up

This is different then when I thought it would be

Do you think you've gotten better at handling?

periods of your life where you feel

Tightness is to ask what am I afraid of?

it's almost like when you're a

kid

You think adults have the answers they kind of have things figured out because it's just that's what you see

that's your perspective on things and

It's like as you become more and more of an adult you realize that is like so not true. That's so

That is completely not the case

Yeah, yeah

We're all doing this stuff because we want to face

These things are in us right so that we can demystify them and be you live for your lives

I mean, I would love to be free from some of this stuff because I did some hard work around it

And that's what we're doing