What to do about life
For People Feeling Lost in Life
I took a couple of days recently to try to unplug and spend some time in nature and
Reflect on where I'm at
I had a lot of time during the train rides to think and
It's scary to be honest for a moment and admit that I'm pretty clueless on what the future holds
No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try. There's nothing I can do to control what's going to happen
I can't control what people are going to say or how long I'm going to be around
So sitting thinking about this and kind of realized that whether we like it or not, this is a position
We are all in at all times
Feeling lost or confused on what's to come or where to go is
Something that just hits me in waves almost randomly and it can feel overwhelming
Sometimes it's unclear what the right thing is to do if there is a right thing, you know
I want to do the right thing, but
I'm not sure. I always have a clear idea of what that looks like or
What that means in a way I kind of wonder what do I stand for? I
Have as long as I can remember always hated the feeling of floating through life of powerlessness
I think a sense of desperation comes out when I feel pinned down or knocked over
It's really hard to prevent doubts from creeping in from time to time
And sometimes I can see how these fears color my decisions and make me act in strange ways to feel less vulnerable
I see now that I've learned how to stay really busy and distract myself from myself
But when I do stop for a moment and kind of let the facade drop
I'm not sure. I like what I see
I
really do wonder what my
Eight-year-old self would think I don't think I have as many answers as I thought I would at this stage in life
Or maybe I got some answers and now I just have more questions
And sometimes what was working before it stops working and I feel like I'm starting from zero all over again
Maybe that's what it means to grow up
You know to admit the were clueless about some things about most things the whole time
Nobody wants to say it. But I will I do still fear what other people will say about me
I want to be loved you know, and it's easy to say I don't care, you know
It doesn't affect me but it does I do care. I think we all care. I think we're social creatures and
This it's built into us. I don't think any of us want to be alone, but you can feel like that sometimes
I'm just trying to remind myself that it's okay to not be. Okay all the time
we are complex and
I'm not sure even a full lifetime is enough time to figure everything out about ourselves
I think I'm learning how to not even try to fix the situation
or myself
Because there's nothing to be fixed and just accept that I'm doing my best and that I get to choose how I look at things
When I do manage to do it having a sense of humor about things can help a lot. Actually I
Really like Rumi the poet's words even though they were written
Centuries ago he said these pains you feel our messengers
Listen to them
Hey, are you where you think you thought you would be at age 53
Where I am I
Did I enjoyed yet? It would look this way, especially doing work, you know emotional work. I had no idea
And yeah at each stage new stuff is gonna show up
This is different then when I thought it would be
Do you think you've gotten better at handling?
periods of your life where you feel
Tightness is to ask what am I afraid of?
it's almost like when you're a
kid
You think adults have the answers they kind of have things figured out because it's just that's what you see
that's your perspective on things and
It's like as you become more and more of an adult you realize that is like so not true. That's so
That is completely not the case
Yeah, yeah
We're all doing this stuff because we want to face
These things are in us right so that we can demystify them and be you live for your lives
I mean, I would love to be free from some of this stuff because I did some hard work around it
And that's what we're doing
