write

Happy Administrative Assistants' Day!

- HEY, EVERYBODY, IT'S WEDNESDAY,

AND I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

IT'S TIME FOR-- LET'S SAY IT TOGETHER...

[together] CLASSIC JOKE WEDNESDAY.

- NO, IT'S...

[laughter]

I MEAN, IT IS, BUT THAT WILL BE LATER.

I WAS TALKING ABOUT

ADMINISTRATIVE PROFESSIONALS DAY.

I THOUGHT YOU'D SAY THAT WITH ME.

[cheers and applause]

I THOUGHT WE'D SAY THAT TOGETHER.

WE HAVE WONDERFUL ASSISTANTS WHO WORK ON THIS SHOW.

I'M THANKFUL FOR ALL OF THEM,

AND IN HONOR OF ADMINISTRATIVE PROFESSIONALS DAY,

I WANTED TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR OUR RECEPTIONIST JEANNIE,

WHO IS AT HER DESK RIGHT NOW,

AND SHE'S PROBABLY WATCHING THIS.

AND... OH, DID WE TURN THE TV OFF?

SHE DOESN'T KNOW I'M GONNA CALL HER, RIGHT?

ARE WE SURPRISING HER?

- "THE ELLEN DEGENERES SHOW."

- HI, THIS IS ELLEN DEGENERES, JEANNIE.

HI.

- OH, NO. - HOW ARE YOU?

[laughter]

- HI.

- HI.

- OH, NO. NOW THE TV IS ON.

- OH, NOW IT'S ON.

- OH, NO.

- YOU WERE WONDERING WHY IT WAS OFF, HUH?

[laughter]

- HI.

- HI, JEANNIE. HI.

I JUST WANT TO SAY WE'RE GRATEFUL FOR YOU

AND ON ALL THE WORK YOU DO.

YOU'RE AN AMAZING ADMINISTRATIVE PROFESSIONAL.

AND SINCE IT IS THAT DAY, IT IS YOUR DAY,

I THOUGHT YOU DESERVED MAYBE A MASSAGE AND A MANICURE

WHILE YOU WORK.

ARE THEY THERE?

- YEAH. - CAN WE BRING THEM IN?

- NO WAY.

OH, MY GOD, ELLEN.

- HELLO, JEANNIE. - OH, HI.

- COME ON UP. - OKAY, ONLY FOR A MINUTE.

OKAY, BYE.

- WAIT.

HOW DARE YOU PUT THE PHONE DOWN.

YOU CONTINUE-- YOU HAVE TO STILL WORK.

JUST PUT IT IN THE PLACE OF YOUR CHAIR.

- OKAY, HERE? WHAT DO I DO?

- ENJOY YOURSELF.

DON'T MISS ANY PHONE CALLS, ALL RIGHT?

WE'RE GONNA KEEP AN EYE-- YOU CAN HANG THAT ONE UP,

AND THEN WHEN THE PHONE RINGS, YOU ANSWER IT AGAIN.

ENJOY YOUR MANI-PEDI AND YOUR MASSAGE.

- THANK YOU, ELLEN. - ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE WELCOME.

THANK YOU, JEANNIE.

YOU'RE A WONDERFUL ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT.

[applause]

ALL RIGHT, WHILE SHE GETS A MASSAGE,

LET'S TALK TO ONE OF OUR OTHER ASSISTANTS

WHO LOVES TO BE ON THE CAMERA.

JACQUELINE. HI, JACQUELINE.

- UH... [laughs]

- HI, JACQUELINE. HOW ARE YOU?

OKAY. - HI.

- WE LEARNED THAT SHE WAS A WILD COACHELLA PARTY GIRL,

AND SHE'S--YES, BUT AT WORK, THIS IS REALLY WHO SHE IS.

SHE'S VERY SHY, ESPECIALLY ON CAMERA,

AND SO HAPPY ADMINISTRATIVE PROFESSIONALS DAY TO YOU.

- YOU TOO. OH, THANKS.

- THANKS FOR ALL THE WORK.

OKAY, THANKS FOR-- YOU KNOW, IT'S--YOU KNOW,

IT'S CLASSIC JOKE WEDNESDAY,

SO I THOUGHT IN HONOR OF THAT DAY,

I WOULD LET YOU TELL THE JOKE.

DO YOU HAVE A JOKE FOR US?

- UH...

- CAN YOU THINK OF ONE?

I'LL WAIT.

[laughter]

ALL RIGHT, YOU KEEP THINKING.

WE'RE GONNA CHECK BACK IN WITH YOU LATER,

AND YOU CAN GOOGLE ANOTHER ONE IF YOU WANT,

OKAY, JACQUELINE?

- OKAY. - OKAY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

BYE.

ALL RIGHT, JEANNIE, WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?

- AND THEN FROM THERE IF THEY WANT TO, YOU KNOW,

GO AHEAD AND CALL--

OH, CAN YOU HANG ON?

I'M TALKING TO A REALLY NICE LADY.

I'M GIVING HER THE ADDRESS.

- OH, SHE'S COMING TO A SHOW?

- NO, SHE'S GONNA--SHE WANTS TO WRITE IN TO THE SHOW.

- OH, I SEE. TELL HER HELLO.

OKAY, OUR VERY, VERY CAMERA-SHY ASSISTANT

JACQUELINE HAS BEEN SEARCHING FOR A JOKE TO TELL US

FOR CLASSIC JOKE WEDNESDAY.

HOPEFULLY, SHE HAS FOUND SOMETHING.

DID YOU FIND A JOKE FOR US, JACQUELINE?

- YEAH. - OKAY, GREAT.

LET'S HEAR IT.

- WHY DID THE PICTURE GO TO JAIL?

[together] WHY DID THE PICTURE GO TO JAIL?

- BECAUSE IT WAS FRAMED.

- IT WAS FRAMED.

IT WAS GOOD.

THAT WAS FANTASTIC, JACQUELINE.

WHAT GREAT COMEDIC TIMING.

"BECAUSE IT WAS FRAMED."

IT WAS, LIKE, SUCH A RELIEF TO GET THE PUNCH LINE OUT

AND SO EXCITED, LIKE, FOR THE FIRST TIME.

IT WAS WONDERFUL.

DO YOU WANT TO DO ANOTHER ONE OR NO?

- OKAY. - OKAY.

THERE'S A CUE CARD I SENT OVER,

SO YOU CAN READ THE JOKE OFF THE CUE CARD.

- WHAT DO YOU CALL THREE RABBITS HOPPING BACKWARDS?

[together] WHAT DO YOU CALL THREE RABBITS HOPPING BACKWARDS?

- A RECEDING HAIRLINE.

[laughter and applause]

- OH.

GREAT DELIVERY.

ALL RIGHT, JACQUELINE, YOU REALLY DO SUCH GREAT WORK,

AND THANKS FOR BEING A GOOD SPORT TODAY.

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A WEEKEND TRIP TO LAS VEGAS.

YOU'RE GONNA GO TO LAS VEGAS, OKAY?

AND I WANT TO THANK ANNETTE BENING, LONI LOVE,

MACE MAYA, AND TWITCH.

I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

BE KIND TO ONE ANOTHER. BYE-BYE.