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A Mother's Christmas Letter to Her Daughter

Dear Torie...

When you were little, I remember how you used to line up all the

Christmas presents underneath the tree.

You would tell me which side was for your gifts,

and which side was for Emme's.

You made me promise to put them in the right place

and to make sure to let Santa know too.

Everything always had to be organized

perfect in fact,

just like you, Torie.

If only I could forget the words uttered by your doctor

in the dark halls of the ICU

that Christmas Day.

When he said to call our family back.

When he said Ms. Costa,

I think today might be the day.

Family arrived and we all circled in

to love on our girl

for the last day of what us humans call life.

And I held you in your bed throughout the night.

I stared at the monitor as it beeped and pulsed

with every change in your sick body.

My heart became in sync with yours.

Just as we were drifting off to sleep,

that cold December night,

you asked me,

December 25th 2015 at 9:37 p.m.

was the moment

my entire world disappeared.

You,

my sweet,

perfect,

daughter,

were gone.

From the day you were born,

you filled up my life

and changed my world for the better.

Torie, you were the bravest angel on earth.

You dealt with the unthinkable

from the time that you were 16 until you were 20

yet you still fought until your very last breath.

This year,

everything is quiet.

I sit here on my sofa alone

missing you like I would miss my arms.

Everything has fallen apart without you.

You were the sweet glue that held my world together.

Everyone misses you so much babe.

I'm so sorry I didn't let you see me cry.

It's not because my heart wasn't breaking,

it's because I was actually dying on the inside

while you were dying on the outside.

You were smart,

wise,

kind,

funny,

compassionate,

forgiving.

You were perfect.

You were all of that - you were my precious daughter.