What to write to cancer friend
How to help a friend with cancer | Christopher Gorelik | TEDxOaksChristianSchool
now I've been diagnosed with aggressive
b-cell lymphoma three times over the
last eight years and one of them was
Stage four brain cancer so I can tell
you from firsthand experience that for
most cancers today it's just not as bad
to have as you may think I don't want to
be too cavalier about it because there
are still cancers out there for which
the outcomes are not great but
oncologist today will tell you that most
of their patients are now gonna make it
they're going to survive and that's
pretty good news because I gotta tell
you the treatments are still grueling
but it's a lot easier to go through them
when the doctors are telling you they
think you're going to be okay in the end
and I have been through some very
grueling treatments here's a picture of
me with my son Maxwell when I was going
through my brain cancer I'm the one on
your right funny thing about this
picture is that I hated taking pictures
when I was sick so the only reason I
took this one is because I thought I was
looking good that day now this cancer
was a battle but I was still able to
find a doctor who could say you know
there's been some advances in the last
couple of years and I think I got this I
think you're gonna be okay and I was he
was right to do it he gave me a lot of
chemo obviously a lot of that was
experimental I had a bone marrow
transplant and they put this into my
neck right here because I was able to
use my own stem cells so they pulled my
stem cells out and use those when it was
time for the bone marrow transplant and
I even had to have a hole drilled in my
skull right here so that they could put
a catheter into my brain and pour the
chemo directly into the middle of it
that one was a little crazy but it was
more crazy when a few days later the
doctors came in they put my scans up on
the on the board and they were showing
me where the memory centers of my brain
were growing at this really accelerated
rate and they just couldn't figure out
why but last little bits not true but
wouldn't it have been so cool when they
put the chemo in my brain
if it was turning me into a superhero
now that would have made having cancer
brain cancer completely worthwhile but
unfortunately nothing happened not being
a superhero was definitely the biggest
disappointment that I had the whole time
I had cancer now I show you these things
that I went through for a couple of
reasons one because well I happen to
like sympathy and I think this makes me
look very sympathetic you know that is
by the way one of the silver linings in
the cancer cloud you can get away with
things when you have cancer that you
could never get away with if you didn't
and if I'm in the supermarket and
there's a long line you know I've got
cancer people just can't get out of the
way fast enough to get me right to the
front of the line so you know it's like
a credit card a cancer card and
everybody takes it it works all over the
world you know so having cancer is not
all bad it has its benefits too but I
also want you to know that I have
experience with all of this when I tell
you that there are things that you can
do to help a friend go through one of
the most brutal parts about having
cancer something that the doctor can't
fix and that's the isolation the
detachment from everyone everything that
you know let me explain
when you get sick like that you begin
living this kind of parallel life
separate from your regular life and all
the people taking care of you the
doctors the nurses your family people
that your caregivers they're all helping
you in this parallel life but there's
nothing connecting you to your regular
life and that's why I'm here today you
all need to know that friends are the
bridge that connects you to this regular
life but unfortunately what happens is
that after about the first month or two
most cancer patients will tell you that
people were great for a while but then
they disappear and it's hard to figure
out why and in my case I realized it
could have been me look at me I'm
adorable
Oh No what what really happens but it
really happens is that your lives aren't
passing together anymore you're doing
different things obviously in people's
lives go on but it's also because people
get scared they get scared of the
illness and they also just don't know
what to do to help you but it actually
is a terrible thing when you feel like
you've been forgotten about because what
happens is is the more time you spend
away from everybody that's your friend
this parallel life that your receding
into grows and longer and longer
distance away from this real life the
regular life that you're used to and
then you get better and you're left to
try to connect the bridge all the way
back to your regular life all by
yourself and that is a long exhausting
process it takes months years and some
people that I've talked to say that they
really never got back and it doesn't
have to be like that because there are a
lot of things that you really can do
that are small that will make a very big
difference in someone's life when
they've got to wonder stick like this so
I'm gonna talk about some of those but
first I want to help you deal with how
to act around somebody when they first
learned that they've got cancer because
everyone handles that very different
emotionally you know you don't have to
act all dark and gloomy at least not in
my case I'd been feeling lousy for so
long that I was more relieved than
anything else that they had finally
found something so when they told me I
had cancer I was like well that's great
I'm not going crazy it is something so
but you know not everyone's gonna feel
that way so you can't go into the room
with them and say congratulations you
must be thrilled that you've got cancer
you know you can do what you want to do
is you go in there you just say hey how
are you feeling about your diagnosis
because the way that they act with that
question the way that they respond their
words their mannerisms that's gonna lead
you into directly how you should act
what you should say what you should be
doing next
now here's what most people did or said
to me when they wanted to help me when I
first got sick if I can do anything
please let me know well the first tip I
want to give you all is that this is not
helpful because all this does is give a
sick overwhelmed person one more thing
to do find something for you to do and
if you don't then all of a sudden
they're gone thinking well you know I
tried but they didn't want any help and
you multiply that times the dozens of
people that are also saying the same
thing to you and it becomes pretty clear
early on but there's no help coming so
instead let's just change a few words
around here let's figure out and say you
know I can do something I'm gonna figure
out how to help you I'll be back I'll
let you know what I can do what are some
of those things so you can make good on
that commitment well one thing is you
can just text them regularly that's
really easy and it can be impersonal I
know it sounds like it if you send just
one but if you send a bunch of them over
time once a week even just once a month
they do become meaningful all you got to
do is say hey I want you to know I'm
thinking about you that's it it can even
be the same message every time but keep
sending them even if they're not
replying to you especially if they're
not replying to you it will make a
difference it's such an easy thing to do
and at a minimum just do this because
when I was holed up in a room and a
message like that came across my phone
it made me feel less alone and more
connected even if it was just for a
little bit give them a handwritten note
not a hallmark get well card with a
signature on it really write them a note
a real letter and if you keep it
consider taking a bunch of stationery
when you see them and have them write
some notes out to people themselves
thank-you notes or just things that are
just to reach out to friends that will
keep them connected in a much different
way on a number of levels visit as much
as you possibly can I know this one
seems obvious but I got to tell you the
meaning of these these
have changed a lot in the last 10 or 15
years because just that long ago the
visit was to say goodbye to your friend
but today it's about keeping them
connected to the world that they're
gonna be joining you back in pretty soon
so the more you can visit the better off
now when you ask them don't say hey
when's a good time for me to come by
that's a little like if I can do any if
I can do anything let me know it's too
big a question just say I want to come
by Tuesday at 6 p.m. is that Alright
that's a question that they can answer
if you want to bring something it's not
can I bring you anything
same problem it's hey I'm bringing you a
pizza or in an out burger is there
anything you don't want on it that is a
question again easy to answer when
they're not up for a visit which is
possible and it happens often they're
just not feeling after seeing anybody
you can still help because you can just
say to them I'm gonna bring dinner to
your house I'm gonna leave it at your
front door at 6 o'clock so if you go out
there at 6:05 it's gonna be there and
you want to talk to anybody no pressure
at all that's a friend that's getting it
that's a friend that's thinking about
them that's help and that's connectivity
all right now when you visit this person
there's a good chance they'll be
sleeping don't leave because when you're
sick you don't really sleep the same way
you more like drift in and out every few
hours so instead grab a book sit down
next to them and wait for them to see if
they wake up I'll tell you that most the
time when you wake up over and over and
over again you're alone with the reality
or situation so to wake up and have a
friendly friend there right in front of
you makes a very big difference it's so
uplifting it happened to me twice only
in all these years and it was very
uplifting so wait as long as you can if
that's the case cancer is not contagious
but it can feel like it when you're sick
like that because nobody wants to touch
you they stay on the other side of the
room I'm telling you right now that if
someone's got cancer it's okay to
touch them you can't take your hand and
just put it on their arm for a moment or
two they don't get that a lot and that
contact is very important and it will
stay with them for a lot longer than
just your visit create an online game
night once a month say the third
Thursday of every month and this is an
opportunity if you organize it for them
for them to have something on the
calendar to look forward to every month
where they're gonna get to hang out with
all their friends a lot of them at least
and everybody can join in because all
they got to do is sign on or get on
FaceTime or Skype easy to do help them
get caught up one of the problems even
though you're lying around you don't
feel like doing your text messages
emails you don't feel like going through
your regular mail your social media so
if you can just help them when you're
sitting down with them get their phone
and reply to stuff for them engage them
get them caught up that's about as close
as they're gonna get to feeling like
they're back in their regular life if
you can do that really important create
a spotify playlist
another nice thing to do you know call
it cancer time or something and you put
it you know their music that they'll
like and their podcasts and some
audiobooks things that they'll want to
listen to and keep it current add things
to it from time to time so they'll feel
like they're staying up-to-date like
everyone else is finally it's okay to
tell them how you feel
we don't live thankfully in the day and
age anymore where a father shakes his
son's hand as he goes off to war we can
do better than that
and I'll tell you when I had a friend
that said hey I want you to know I love
you buddy it mattered to me because it
made me feel like I mattered and that
made a difference
look these are just a couple of ideas
here that I that I came up with but I'll
tell you something you know this person
vest and so if they like guacamole well
get some avocados and make him some but
it's gonna take some initiative and some
work on your part to be a friend when
someone really need
you like this everyone here if they
don't already is going to know somebody
soon that has cancer and they're going
to get better in all likelihood whatever
you do don't abandon them be that bridge
that keeps them connected to their
regular life be their friend thank you
[Applause]
