How to message on dating apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge messaging guide)

hi I'm sex and relationship coach

Katelyn B and today I want to talk about

why you're not getting messages back on

dating apps now dating apps are a really

interesting way to meet people whether

your goal is short term dating long term

dating relationship romance love

marriage children you name it there is

an app for you out there and you know

what else there's a ton of people on

them especially men there are a lot of

men on these dating apps and it's a

numbers game you're competing against

all of these men for the attention of a

limited number of women so if you are

making a handful of critical errors that

I'm gonna teach you about today then you

are hurting your odds of ever getting a

message back which makes it impossible

for you to ever get a date which makes

it impossible to get laid

have a relationship etc my goal in this

video is to teach you a handful of

techniques that are going to increase

your odds of getting responses then with

more responses you can get more dates

see how this works

so many men tell me that the Giddy's

matches and then they'll have an

exchange of a couple messages between

them and then she disappears or she goes

she just stops writing back and there's

a number of reasons that this can happen

the most common reason that she's not

writing you back is that she's busy

she's inundated with messages from other

men right they are filling up her in

fact she's getting hundreds even

thousands maybe a messages if she's on

multiple apps from other men who are

interested in her she's getting tons of

matches it's just again it's a numbers

game there's a lot of men out there

there's a limited number of women all

women on dating apps get in boxes that

are absolutely stuffed to the brim so if

she's not messaging you back it's

probably because your message is in a

sea of hundreds of messages and then add

on to that that she's a real person she

has a job she might have a dog she's got

friends she's got family she's got

projects do it work she's got homework

do it school she has a full life and she

doesn't know who you are you're just a

stranger who is messaging her is showing

up in her inbox so the fact that she's

not messaging you back really has


do with you it has more to do with her

and her living and completing busy life

and please take that into consideration

do not get all angry and pissy with her

if she doesn't respond to you because

it's really not about you it's not a

mistake that you are making okay

so what's important to know about that

is just don't take it personally so many

men come to me and they're really hurt

they want me to read their messages they

want me to tell them if they made a

mistake you didn't make a mistake she's

just a busy human being who has a full

life and your message is unfortunately

not a high enough priority for her to

get back to you now if you are

consistently not getting messages back

from women then it could be that you are

making a handful of the most crushing

errors that I see men make while they're

on these apps but first a couple other

reasons that she's not messaging you

back number one maybe she had a

successful date with one guy and because

we have this sort of commitment to

monogamy and our culture she's waiting

to see if that pans out before she

messages anyone else back she might be

using the apps because she just wants a

little pick-me-up she just wants to feel

desired in there first she's not

messaging everyone back and if that's

the case don't hate the player hate the

game it's not because they is that that

she was the one for you and that she

somehow didn't notice okay we have a

couple good exchanges of someone you

think that suddenly like it's meant to

be and she was perfect because she also

loved Italian ice and going to the Art

Museum and so you built her up to be

like the one the most special person

you're never gonna get to be with her

forget that idea she was special but

there are more fish out there remember

when I said it's a numbers game what

happens when you have one good day with

someone and you stop going on the apps

is that you are minimizing your odds of

actually finding the right person for

you the chances of them being the one

person who you started messaging with

are pretty low even the chances of them

being the one person who you went on one

date with are pretty low even if you had

a really great date do not just pull

yourself off the apps not just stop

messaging because again you want to

maximize the odds of finding the person

who you want to be in a relationship

with and if you stop being active ever

time you have a good date with someone

you are going to progress more slowly

than someone who is staying on the

absent staying active even if they've

had a great date even if they've had a

couple great dates again you're playing

the field you have to play your odds but

let's get into those mistakes that I've

mentioned because there are a handful of

massive mistakes that are really gonna

hurt your chance of getting responses

okay number one is that you don't

customize your messages I'm not saying

that you need to sit there and write a

long and lengthy and specific message

about this woman that specifically

references three things from her profile

no but you do need to say something more

creative or imaginative then how's your

week going it's such a throwaway

question how is your week or how is your

week on what answer could you possibly

give you to that that led to a really

interesting conversation it's like how's

your week going that's pretty good how's


oh it's also good you're right back

where you started

only now you've tired her you've

exchanged one message and so you've sort

of burnt through your first impression

you can make a great first impression by

noticing something about one of her

pictures commenting on something that

she wrote in her profile asking for more

clarification on something that like was

interesting to you so she's got a

picture in her profile of her on

vacation you can ask about that she said

something in her profile about her love

of Harry Potter you can mention

something abut that you can even open

with saying something about yourself you

don't have to necessarily ask her a

question you can just throw something

out there that is a comment or a thought

or an interesting fact about you that

relates to something from her profile

and this gets me to critical mistake

number two which is that you're either

asking too many questions or just giving

too many answers all conversations

whether they're taking place in a dating

app or at a bar or at the Thanksgiving

dinner with your family are a balance of

questions and answers questions and

answers and both people are responsible

for both sides so I ask you question you

give me an answer and then ask me a

question in return which I then answer

and then throw a question back at you

it's not rocket science but when we're

so distracted thinking about how to

respond to this person based on what it

says in her profile

and what's gonna be the perfect thing

who's gonna get the date that I'm gonna

get later did that you almost lose track

of how to have a play normal

conversation so balance the questions

and the answers and balance the amount

of text that you're exchanging if she

sends you a thick paragraph of text and

you sent her a two-word answer it's not

going to lead the conversation equally

between two people and the same is true

in Reverse if you're sending her three

paragraphs and she's sending you just a

couple sentences things are out of

balance they're out of whack and you can

get more responses and get a

conversation going if you are cognizant

of the balance of messages between you

you don't want her to be messaging you

more often or more text you don't want

you to be messaging too much more often

or sending her more text create some

sort of rhythm create some sort of

balance you're gonna be more likely to

get results

number three mistake that you might be

making is that you're not being yourself

you're being too generic too vanilla too

boring you're giving her what you think

that she wants instead of what's

authentic for you listen she's thinking

about dating you she needs to get to

know who you are pretty quickly in order

to make the decision whether or not she

wants to meet up with you and the same

is true for you you want to be able to

decide really quick if she is the type

of person who you're interested in

getting to know interested in taking out

for a drink spending the night getting

dressed up and think about how much you

have to go through to even go on a first

date men not so much for women we have

to put on makeup we might have to go

home and change out of our work clothes

we might have to give up a night of

watching our favorite television show

I'm just saying there's some sacrifices

that need to be made in order for her to

go on a date with you and so you want to

be sure that you're giving her your best

foot forward but making sure that it's

your foot not the foot of some other

generic guy who you think she's gonna

like she's there they're gonna like you

or she's not so be sure to balance the

right amount of personality and flavor

of you that you're sharing with the

right amount of holding back mystery and

not being too strong in any one

direction so that she has an opportunity

to get to know all of you and not just

any one particular part and let's talk

for a minute about how you cannot go on


are not fun and wasteful and there's no

connection because too often you go out

on a date with somebody who you met

online and there's nothing there there's

no chemistry there's no spark I hear

about this all the time from my clients

they're just like well we had a drink

and that was it we sat across from each

other at a nice restaurant it cost me 30

bucks and then we went our separate ways

never to speak again let's stop wasting

our time people don't go out with people

who you don't have chemistry with and

how do you determine if you have

chemistry with well I'll tell you it's

not by exchanging a hundred messages

back and forth that is not how you

decide if you have chemistry if you've

ever had an internet pen pal or a friend

and then met them in person and they

were like a totally different person

than you were imagining they were it's

because we are just exchanging messages

with someone you don't actually get a

sense of who they are like when I was in

seventh grade this is how old I am

AOL Instant Messenger aim was the thing

and I completely fell in love with a

friend of a friend I'm not gonna say his

name he and I exchanged messages on AOL

late at night for hours and hours and

hours I was I just developed this crush

on this person I'd seen maybe like one

picture of him this was prior to even

myspace so there wasn't a whole lot of

social media that you could just dig

through and see and learn about a person

that way but it doesn't really matter

because you're not really learning about

them anyway anyways take it back to me

in this crush let's call him Jake

because his name was Jake

I had massive feelings for Jake I had

built Jake up in my mind as my first

boyfriend and I was so excited I was so

ready because we were like obviously a

match made in heaven because why would

we stay up until 1:00 a.m.

even though I could have gotten in

trouble for using the computer of that

late if we weren't meant to be and then

I met Jake in person and let me just say

he did not live up to my seventh-grader

expectations he was really shy and

actually a little bit rude when I look

back on it which i think is just how 14

and 15 year old boys treat girls when

they kind of maybe have crushes on them

too or maybe I'm just saying that now to

make myself feel better because maybe he

didn't have a crush back on me at all

either way I invested so much time so

much energy and I ended up getting my

little heart broken because I had

unrealistic expectations about this

person so how could that all have been

avoided well my favorite way to avoid

that is by getting on the phone I know

especially you Millennials listening to

this are going to be very turned off by

the idea of talking to someone on the

phone and I totally get it while I don't

get it I talk on the phone to people for

a living because I'm a coach but it

doesn't matter I love talking on the

phone you might hate it but talking on

the phone is the best way to get a

flavor of another person to see if you

have chemistry because guess what if

they're shy on the phone and you hate

their voice they're gonna be shy in

person and your voice is only gonna be

worse when you can't escape it because

you're sitting across from them at a bar

okay if you don't have any chemistry

there you're not gonna have any

chemistry in person you can save

yourself the trouble of getting all

dressed up or having to spend money on

drinks with someone who you don't even

want to hang out with so moving from

messaging on the apps to texting to

phone call to getting together really

quickly is actually one of the best ways

that you can guarantee actually getting

a date and seeing if there's chemistry I

have a rule of thumb which is after

you've had three exchanges that means

that you've had sort of an introductory

banter you've had a different

conversation about another topic and

then a third and they could happen over

any amount of time it could be in 24

hour period it could be in 36 day period

it doesn't matter after you've had a

little bit of exchange between the two

of you you offer to text say hey I don't

really love chatting in this app please

send me a text at and then give them

your phone number this is especially

crucial for men because you're putting

the ball in her court

you're saying to her here here's my

phone number you can follow up with me

if you're interested in taking this

further it gives her the opportunity to

decide if she wants to pursue you and

it's a really early way of moving from

the app where you're talking to

strangers to texting someone and texting

is usually reserved for people who you

at least know decently well well enough

to have their phone number after you've

moved to texting you offer to do a phone

call you just say something on the lines

of hey I've got to go walk my dog

do you mind switching to a call it makes

the most sense if you do this when

you're already

exchanging and messages back and forth

so that you know she's with her phone

she's on the apps you already have her

attention you say hey I've got to walk

around and clean my house but would you

mind switching to a phone call you have

a quick even a 15 or 20 minute phone

call if there's chemistry ask her out on

a date I don't care if you've only been

messaging for 24 hours the point of

dating apps is dating not writing

endless messages back and forth

daydreaming about how amazing that

person is going to be so you move to a

15 20 minute call and at the end of the

call if you decide that there's

chemistry there you ask her out and you

ask her out really specifically you

don't ask a yes/no question such as hey

would you like to go out sometime

because everyone's gonna say yes to that

because people don't like to feel

rejected they don't like to let other

people down so if you say hey want to

get together this Saturday for dinner

there's a cute bar around the corner

from my house I'd love to take you out

for a drink house Thursday

hey you loved the Art Museum what do you

think about checking it out together

this Saturday around 2 p.m. in the


hey what neighborhood do you live in

what's your favorite bar I'd love to

take you there so you can get your

favorite cocktail hey I'm really loving

this conversation let's move it to

in-person there's a cute bar down the

street from my house although that might

suggest that you're looking for a

hook-up who cares say there's a cute bar

from the street down the street from my

house I looked I think you would love

the selection of whiskey cocktails again

make a really specific suggestion make

it specific to her if possible like it

sounds like something you would love

let's check this thing out I chose it

because I think you'll like it that's a

really powerful message that you are

someone who's worth pursuing someone who

cares a little bit again not someone

who's generic but someone who's making

the decisions and sending messages

specifically to this woman in this

moment you asked her out on a very

specific date and then you give her the

opportunity to give you feedback she

might say actually it's a little bit

early or a little soon for us to go on a

date let's keep chatting on the apps or

on texts that's fine she might say

actually weeknights don't work for me

but I can do a weekend that's great too

but you're giving her something to work

with because hey did you want to go out

sometime and then you put it on her put

give her the responsibility to plan a

date that's not cool unfortunately we

still live in a world where we expect

men to take initiative and that is your

responsibility so if you want to end up

on a date if you want to end up in a

relationship if you just want to end up

getting laid you have to take initiative

you decisive make decisions make plans

that are specific to her into the

context under which you are having this


so to recap online dating is a numbers

game if you take every piece of advice

that I just gave you and apply it to

what you are doing right now you are

going to increase the number of messages

that you get and hopefully increase the

number of dates that you successfully go

on and even so consider this you're

playing the field you have to play play

it like a game don't take everything so

seriously when women don't message you

back it very often has nothing to do

with you and everything to do with them

their busy life their life circumstances

are the reason that they're on the apps

to begin with

finally you can increase the number of

dates you end up going on by sending

specific messages giving her a taste of

your personality balancing the questions

and the answers and the answers and the

questions and moving to text message

phone call and then in person date

relatively quickly all right

all my dating is a huge subject I'm sure

there are other things that you'd like

for me to talk about so leave a comment

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